Family and Life and Musings

It's a sunny winter day and I've pulled my laptop into a corner of rays during naptime. Lucy is working hard on a Sponge Bob puzzle and Jimmy is snuggled into bed with quite a cold.

After lunch today, Tommy hurried to grab his snow pants and shoes and got himself ready for the school bus. Then, as he does every day, he waited for my kiss before walking out the door to his special kindergarten world. "Have a great afternoon, Mom!" he called, preempting my usual farewell.

There is something so beautiful, joyful, and innocent about Tommy's daily excitement for kindergarten. He is always anticipating the next craft, crossing off the next activity on his school calendar. He isn't worried about failing at school. He seems only to have optimism about what lies ahead for his afternoons.

I am so thankful for the joy in Tommy's heart. It's reassuring to send your kid off to something he loves, someplace that reinforces our belief in Tommy's abilities and goodness. And yet still, a part of me wonders, when or will this blissful anticipation of school end? I'm sure it's not going to happen anytime soon, but I know that tests and challenges and social anxieties can make education more of a chore for kids than a reward.

Is there a way to change that? Is there a way to ensure that my kids will all love learning? I hope so. I hope that, even with bumps in the road and hard assignments and trying teachers, all of our kids will share the love that John and I have for learning new things.

It has been so long since I posted on here, and in that interim, my kids have really been growing up. Jimmy will tell you he's two and a half. He sleeps in a bed and he loves to sing songs. He is wild, running from me at the grocery store and constantly climbing on furniture at home. He is endearing, inviting me to snuggle next to him on the couch and proudly showing me how he has hidden and lined up toothbrushes in a row underneath a step stool.

Lucy is almost four now, and she brings up this point several times an hour. She wants to be involved in everything I do, from baking to cooking to cleaning the bathroom. Yesterday, she put on her "cleaning outfit," having noted that I had changed my own clothes to clean. She hopped right into the shower and scrubbed that thing til it shone. (I plan to have her in total domestic servitude by 6.)

Lucy has wide blue eyes and a contagious smile. She likes to direct others in playing, telling them what lines to say or who should be what role. I am always surprised to see that most of the kids we know (including Tommy and his older friends) do listen to her and play as she directs.

It's very strange for my youngest child to be growing into a boy instead of a baby. I haven't been without a baby in almost 6 years! I find myself lugging Jimmy around on my hip, practically throwing out my back to contain him when he really is quite ready to navigate the world on his own two feet.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about kids' independence and how you know when your kids are ready for the next step.

Come to think of it, how do I know when I'm ready for the next step?

A Day of Firsts

What a big day for our family yesterday! Lucy was elated to have her first official day of preschool! Since Tommy went to the same school and she also attended Vacation Bible School there this summer, Lucy just marched into the classroom with her head up and no nerves at all. I had to steal a kiss because she was so eager to get to socializing....err, work. :)


As I've thought about this transition for Lucy over the past weeks, I've continually marveled at how different she is than Tommy at this juncture. Most people I know seem to agree that there is a general difference between boys and girls at this age: girls seems more ready to color and perform in learning the writing act of letters and numbers, while boys are a bit more antsy and less willing to sit down for traditional academics.

I can only hope for Lucy that school is everything it can be---an inspiration to learn continually, to be the best you can be, which is always changing.


On that note, I went through quite a change last night myself in putting on a black polo shirt and training in for my first job since I had the kids. I picked up a gig at our gym, working part-time at the information & front desks. I have to admit that this technical "work" is really a break from being a mom! It was actually refreshing to clock in and talk to adults about something non-kid for a while last night.

I've been a member at our gym for 4 years, so transitioning into employment there is really natural, on one hand. On the other hand, I wondered how a work uniform would change my experience and community there. It's always interesting to see how people treat you when you are an employee providing a service. I suppose there will be many more observations about that over the coming months.

As I was swiping membership cards last night, John took Tommy and Lucy over to the first night of skating lessons. Lucy was a level ahead of Tommy since she started this summer, but she was pretty disappointed because Tommy and cousin Walt got to be in the beginner level together. Hopefully everyone will ready for open skating at Uncle Brian's home ice rink this winter.

K is for Kindergarten

Dear Tommy,

Today is your first day of kindergarten! Unbelievable. I bet that by now, you're off of the bus and already listening to Mrs. P's directions for the day. How did you get so old so quickly? And yet still, how can you only be 5 years old? Grandpa and I often marvel at how it seems like you've been around forever.

We started the day with K for kindergarten pancakes, and I scrambled up some eggs for a little protein alongside them. Then it was Tommy's Choice field trip, and off to the Arboretum for 3 rounds of the hedge maze and some playtime in their stick park. We were there for almost 2 hours! I guess kindergarten isn't going to tear you too far away from me if we still have the whole morning together.


Daddy surprised us all by driving home over lunch to see you off on the big yellow bus. That was the hard part! There was just something monumental about letting you get into a huge vehicle of transportation. And yet, of course, you were brave and ready and I was overcome with emotion. You just plopped down in the window seat next to Michael and probably thought more about your water bottle than about the vastness of kindergarten.

What are you learning right now?

There are so many things about you that challenge me as a mother, Tom. You are proud and stubborn and brilliant and creative. You are kind and fickle and prone to tantrums. You are full of energy and a leader. You are cautious and very aware of danger, but lately, you've realized the value of risk once in a while.

I had a good laugh this morning when you presented an impromptu skit to me at the Arboretum...you seemed to read the lines off a script in your mind. You paused for comedic effect and struck a pose when necessary. You pulled Lucy and Jimmy into the act and let them know just what they should be doing.



What will you grow to become over the next years, Tommy? I guess only time will tell. Use your good heart from God, kiddo. It won't lead you astray.

I love you and am of course waiting for the Seal bus to deliver you home.

Mom

Just a Stroll

Took a walk with my littlest guy tonight.  He sucked his thumb and held onto Lion as we strolled around the marshlands.  Jimmy is such a sweetheart.  He squealed with delight over passing birds and puppies and even sang a few Jimmy-original tunes.  A little walk reminds me how important it is to appreciate my children individually whenever I can.

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What Am I Doing Awake at this Hour? A Rant.

Actually, it's only 11:06 but I think my blog publishes with false times.  Still, for me it's late.  At this house, John and I look at each other and roll our eyes when someone suggests watching an hour-long show starting at 9:15.  Not. Gonna. Happen.

What's happened to us? 

It's sleep deprivation.  Five long years of sleep deprivation.  In fact, the number of non-interrupted nights of sleep I personally have had in the last 5 years can be counted as 5, and that's thanks to my sister, who baby-sat my puking kids while we were in San Francisco.

Actually, scratch that.  I was definitely not sleeping well then, either, because I was pregnant and puking myself.  And had shin splints from walking the hills that wouldn't quit.

Not really a lot to say tonight.  The kids and I watched Shark Tales, and John went out to the inaugural meeting of Dad's Club.  (I've received several iPhoto updates, and it looks like he is having a great time.)

It kills me that my youngest baby can sit on my lap and watch a movie.  Can say "scary!" when it's scary.  And "fish in water!" when it's just ordinary.  He's a baby, isn't he?  Anything under 2 qualifies, right? 

After I helped the kids brush their teeth, cleaned up (another) poop mess, wiped down the kitchen counters, and sighed, I opened Lucy's door and threatened to take Bunny Baby away for the night if she didn't get back in bed.  (It turns out she was merely getting her Barbies ready for bed...don't I know that they also need pajamas.)

And then I sat down to watch The Ugly Truth, which wasn't that great by Oscar standards, but made me laugh. 

I'm still wondering how my iTunes got erased from the computer, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my teenage siblings-in-law are to blame. 

But this is small stuff.  In the big picture, as my Dad says, I'm on easy street now.

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Yumtimes

Just ate at Brasa tonight with Miss Kate. She's been trying to make this happen for months, and now I know why:

Fabulousness.

I can still taste the spicey tangy beef, the salty kickin' pork. The sangria that was actually authentic. A zippy bite that kept me going back for another sip. (And then, somehow, another and another.)

Tonight was the perfect equilibrium of food and long-awaited conversation. There is something about Kate that always leaves me thinking. Maybe it's the way she refills my sangria glass when I'm not looking...

But no, not just that. It's also the way Katy sees the world through those turquoise-colored spectacles. She inspires me to be myself...to know I am good enough as myself, but that my self may be ever-evolving.

3 Things About My Childhood

1. When I was a kid, I idolized my older brother. I remember distinctly how quick-witted he was as a teen. And I remember wondering when, if ever, I'd develop the ability to deliver comebacks like him at lightening speed.

2. I was very curious as a child about my older sister, whom I really didn't know that well. Most of the personal information I knew about Sarah was gathered by reading her diary. Consequently, I keep my own diary in a locked file cabinet.

3. I used to hide in the cabinets of our downstairs bar for hours, pretending I was a character from The Box Car Children.

Smartie Pants

It's really not that polite to brag about my kid, but sometimes a mother just has to beam.

"Hey Mom, guess what 2 plus 2 plus 1 is?"

"What is it, Tom?"

"You have to guess, but I'll give you a hint. It starts with an F."

Little Old Selfless Me

I decided to relent to John's plea and switch his clothing to the other side of the closet.

And now that it's done, I realize that John really got the rotten end of the deal in the beginning.

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Let's Play Dictionary

Lunchtime conversation is generally enlightening with 3 children under 5:

Tommy: I have a paaaaar-ty!  I have a paaaar-ty!

Me:  Tom, that's boasting.  It's not very nice to your sister.

Tommy:  What's boasting?

Me: It's when you make someone else feel badly because you get to do something special.  Like if someone at school gets to be the line leader, and you don't....and he says, "I get to be the line leader and you don't!  I get to be the line leader and you don't!"  How would you feel if someone did that?

Tommy:  Bad.

Lucy:  That's roasting. 

Tommy: Boasting!

Lucy:  That's roasting.  Roasting stinks up.

Tommy:  It's BOASTING, Lucy!

Lucy:  Yeah.  That stinks up.

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My Lu

She's almost three.

She's the girl you hardly ever see without a tuft of blue in front of her face.

She's the one who will pipe up to tell you that she is a big kid.

She's the one who is dressed in the morning in pink from head to toe.

Except maybe grumbling a little because it's hard to put on a sock that is inside-out.

She's the one who notices the snow sparkling in the sunshine.

And who sings about shaking away her sillies at school.

She is always looking to grow up, up, up like Tom

Except when she's looking for snuggle or a nursery rhyme like Jim.

She is wearing glittery dancer shoes, and yet playing basketball at the gym with 20 boys.

She is telling you proudly that she goes potty by herself.

She asks you to read just one more book, even thought she's so tired.

She wonders when "Grandpa and Grandpa" will be here to visit.

She's ready to do projects and bake cookies and use a scissors.

And to ride a bike a year before the rest.

Lucy.

She has made a claim on this world,

But she's not going to let us in on the secret yet.

Her life is just unfolding, just beginning, at 3 years old.

A Winter Note for Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

It's one of those days today.  The washing machine and dryer aren't working, and I made it to the gym with all you kids only to realize I had no tennis shoes.  The snow outside is icky and the sky is dismal.  But actually, despite all these things, I'm having a great day. 

You are at the sweetest age right now, baby.  You're actually anything BUT a true baby:  your skinny legs are long and hang all the way to the floor when you're seated on the rocking horse.  You run at the speed of light, and you've recently claimed your spot at the kitchen table in a booster seat.  You're ready to run with the pack.

My favorite part about your stage, though, is how much you're learning to say each day.  Everything I say----from "light saber" to "potty check" to "Shoot!  Clean it up!," you parrot back.  This stage really keeps a mom on guard! 

You're developing a newfound relationship with Tommy as a playmate lately.  Tom loves to grab ahold of you and seat you in between his legs to go down the slide together  He also loves to sing you songs to calm you down. 

Lucy, too, loves to make you giggle.  But I think at this juncture, she has a bit of jealousy towards her baby brother.  You're accomplishing so many "firsts" as a baby, and Tom has so many privileges because he is the oldest.  Sometimes Lucy can't help but want to reclaim the booster seat for herself.  It's something physical that represents her place in our family.

Our family. 

When I look back at pictures from a year or 18 months ago, Jim, I can't believe what John and I undertook.  The three of you!  Every minute and every outing seemed like climbing a mountain.  I can remember the very rare occasions when I'd take you all to the grocery store.  I just dreaded the checkout area, because it was going to be the inevitable scene of a meltdown.  Or twenty.  There were potty accidents and poopy diapers and screams and shoes to tie and the "Why?" phase.  It all just happened at once!

And now, I'm not sure if it's that you're growing older as a group or that we're finally settled into  our home…but somehow, it's gotten easier.  There are moments in the day when I actually sit down and think about what is next for us and for me. 

What is next?

Don't get me wrong, Jim.  It's still chaos over here.  It's just a smidgen less chaos than has become habit.  At Rainbow Foods the other morning, I was carrying you on my hip and gripping Lucy's hand as she jumped into sloppy snow puddles and directing Tom to stay close because cars were coming.  I felt confident and on top of managing you kids.  And yet still, a middle-aged woman rolled down the window of her Suburban to tell me her kids were 21, 19, and 18…and I would make it through these days. 

I know I will.  I know I can.  But on days like today, when your hair smells so sweet and you lay on the floor in the morning waiting for a "kiss (a)ttack!", I'm just enjoying the moments God has made room for in my life.

I love you, Jimmy.

Your, Mama

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An Early Meeting

I sat at the appointment, pretending to read a laminated list of thoughts regarding early childhood screening.  Tommy, a few feet away, squirmed and seemed to do everything he could to NOT answer the simple questions the evaluator posed.

I felt myself flush----not with anger, but with embarrassment.

Why does my kid try to do exactly the opposite of what adults want?  Why couldn't he answer the questions with enthusiasm and interest? 

Why can't he just do things my way?

The ten minutes it took for the evaluation seemed like an eternity to me.  Instead of standing still and raising one foot, Tommy had to attempt to hop around the room like a crazy man.  Instead of plainly listing the qualities of the red ball, he had to persistently bounce it practically in the face of the administrator. 

I was told to remain quiet, so as not to interfere with the testing.

Sometimes in the little and big moments of frustration, I forget that parenting Tommy is a joy overall.  Tommy's imagination and determination are gifts, but sometimes....like when I'm eager to get out the door and he is lost in space playing with lego men...I feel as if there must be no parent on earth with a child as resistant as mine.

I felt a little bit awful today because of the embarrassment that overcame me in that meeting.  How can I learn to embrace parenting my son, even when the job is so much more difficult than I'd imagined?

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Cleaning and Diapering and Cleaning and Laundry

Lately it seems my life it pretty much picking things up. Wow, three kids can make quite a mess! Tommy's preferred toys are now practically all smaller than a marble, and Jimmy is at the wonderful stage when he flicks food off of his highchair tray with reckless abandon.

Lucy prefers to dip most of her food in milk, including meat and toast.

Despite the mess, I have to say that managing these kids is becoming more of a joy and less of an impossibility these days. In fact, last week when John was on an overnight up north, I took all three of them to Perkins for breakfast by myself.

Actually, just writing that last sentence makes me proud.

You see, just 6 months ago, John and I laughed at the idea of taking our kids out to eat anywhere...even together. It was just too impossible. They were too crazy! The food was everywhere, the noise was ridiculous. John often commented that he felt a heart attack coming on just stepping into a restaurant with our brood.

Don't get me wrong. Our kids are still not perfect. (See above!) But as they age and learn to use straws and sit still for at least a few moments, I'm relishing the change in our family. I love having a "baby" that's nearly a year and a half, carrying only a few diapers per day, and feeling we can enjoy hiking or swimming or wrestling around in the yard as a family.

Catch Up

I'm intending to start over. Really I am. One of the hard things about re-entry into the blogosphere is that I feel a need to catch you up on where our life has been since I left.

So, I'm just ridding myself of that pressure right now. I imagine that through my subsequent posts, you'll just pick up where we are. I guess you should know a few basic things:



1. We're finally home! After months of stalking down a foreclosing home in our immediate neighborhood, we finally sealed the deal and moved our family this past June. In the interim, we'd lived in a tinylittleapartment for about 6 months. Throughout this whole process, we lived within about one mile radius of our initial town house!



2. Our kids are wonderful!
Tommy is growing up. He's approaching school-age, at 4.5, and yesterday actually copied a word other than his name for the first time. It was "Emily."

Lucy is nearly 3 and still inching her way towards total potty-trainedness. She is a skilled social gal, and I have no doubt that she'll be making her own introductions in this world by next week.

Jimmy is 16 months old, and just the twinkle in my eye right now. This is the 1st time I've ever had a baby this age without being nearly ready to deliver another one, so I am really enamored with my baby. He's starting to talk (about 50 words, but who's counting?), and he's also starting to get into mischief!

It's Such a Great Day Today!

It really is a great day today. Things started out a little rocky when my iPhone hit the floor and broke. But thanks to the miracle of restore, my day has brightened and I've decided to open up my blog again.

What a great day for everyone!

Tiny Apartment Video

Thought I would mark our family announcement with a tiny apartment video.

We're moving! We finally bought a house, and are so excited to have...for the 1st time...a yard!

Before Motherhood

I have received a poem similar to this one as an email forward in the past.  Today, on Mother's Day, I thought it would be interesting to write down some of the things that have changed about me, and things I have learned, since becoming a mom almost 4 years ago.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't realize it was a near-impossible task to keep pairs of socks for 3 little people together, clean, and not eaten by the washing machine or couch cushions.
I didn't realize what joy it would be to snuggle up on a Saturday morning in a cozy bed and pretend to hide from ghosts under the covers.
I never knew how the sweet smell of thumb-sucking spit residue would be more intoxicating than any other scent.
That a few scribbles in three Crayon colors could melt my heart.
That jammies handed down through my children would be so sentimental.
That songs off-key would be something I'd want to record forever.

Before I was a Mom,
I never realized that I would see the world with a totally different lens.
That I would travel less and worry more about not the safety of my own children, but rather my safety so that I could protect and guide them for years to come.
That I would consciously evaluate everything spoken in the presence of my children.
That I would want to intervene in others' conversations and ask them,
When you said that word, did you realize my children's ears were listening with rapt attention?

Before I was a Mom,
I never imagined that hot sauce would become a daily threat for sassing offenses.
That children could so innocently misjudge safety and bury a baby underneath pillows, thinking it was just a game.
That toothbrushes would become objects of mystery, and that any toothbrush in the house might get eerily close to the toilet on a given day.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't realize that I would spent every single moment of every day protecting my children, and yet somehow managing to do laundry, cleaning, cooking, teaching, organizing, disciplining, and unconditionally-loving at the same time.

I didn't realize how easy it would be to teach my children to pray.
I didn't realize how hard it would be to get my children to lay in a still manner while I change diapers.
I didn't realize how often the sickness would come.
I didn't imagine how all-encompassing the joy would be.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know how sexy my husband could be with spit-up on his shoulder.
I didn't truly understand what union meant.
I didn't realize the value of a spouse who would do anything for me and for our children at a moment's notice.
Someone who would work hard, every day, and not complain.
Someone who would come home and pitch in every moment---
Not because I ever asked him,
But because he wants to do it, and because he wants our family to be the best it can be.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know that love could grow so strong between children so small.
That torn books were the best books.
That whispering is more effective than yelling.
That patience is a daily goal more difficult to attain than anything I've ever attained.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't appreciate leisure time.
I didn't realize there would be a time in my life when for 14 hours a day, I would hear noise and work hard and have people climbing on me and clamoring for my attention every single second.
I didn't realize how exhausting it would be.
Or how humbling it would be.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know what a joy it was to give birth.
What an honor it was to hold another woman's newborn baby.
What a marathon it was to carry a child in your womb for forty weeks while chasing after other children.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't realize how hard it was to get children to sit quietly.
How innately they fidget.
How natural it is, to them, to comment when they don't like a certain food.
Or when they see a person who looks different than they do.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't realize it would be a daily effort to teach my children to truly respect others.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know that love between my husband and me could grow any deeper.
I didn't realize that love would multiply with each child we welcomed.
I didn't know what it was to pray to God for strength just to get through a day.
I didn't really know what it meant to thank God for gifts so amazing that I am truly and wholly unworthy.

Happy Mother's Day!

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Burst of Joy

It was the first time we brought Tommy to church that he truly worshiped God.  Last night, John and I hired a baby-sitter for the younger two kids and took Tom to one of our neighboring Catholic churches.  Our hometown church tends to be more conservative in its liturgy, which we really appreciate in teaching our children about the tradition of liturgy.  The church we attended last night had a more contemporary Mass with guitar-led songs, something I personally relish on occasion and also love for the enthusiasm it inspires particularly in young Catholics.

To say that my heart burst with joy is to understate my emotion as Tommy sang loudly in praise of God last night.  He behaved so well, and John and I finally felt that our efforts at instilling love for God in our children might be helping them understand how amazing God is.

It was one of those motherhood experiences that can't quite be conveyed with words.  One of those hours so rich with emotion that tears of joy pool in my heart (and my eyes!) to remember it.

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9 Months Out

Pass the real food this way.

My dear little Jimmy,

I'll have to keep this quick...I can already hear a few of you nappers stirring. As I put you to bed this afternoon, I fed you a bottle in the darkness of your little closet-bedroom. You wore only a diaper, and I loved that moment of holding you in my arms with your sweet, smooth skin cradled up around me. You reached out to touch my arms and face and shirt as you ate. You were distracted by nothing but food and Mama. I'm late on your 9 month letter, Jimmy, but the secret reason is that I don't really want you to grow up right now.

Your 1st Easter in Wisconsin

In the last month, you've become a different baby. You're still a peanut, weighing in at only 15.5 lbs, but you're long and wiry and giggly and determined. You've begun to crawl slowly and methodically, finding your brother and sister even when they're two rooms away from you. You can pull yourself up to kneeling onto toys, and your favorite exercise is the "plank" position, or the "up" position of a push-up.

This new stage of mobility unites you in the force of the Three Musketeers, and Tommy and Lucy have already welcomed you to the team. Despite my outcries, they wrestle and tickle you. As you eat your meals, your eyes divert to follow their every move. I guess I have to be ready for anything that the three of you might dish out over the next 18 years!

Our Whole Family Easter 2009

Lucy started a 2-morning Montessori program a month ago, which I have loved primarily because it allows me some much-needed time to cuddle my baby. I am a better Mom when I get a chance to be with each of you individually on occasion.

At the 9 month mark, I can't help but remember how you've really doubled your gestational age. Happy birthday, kiddo! I loved you on the inside, but I'm just a sucker for that little grin now that you're 9 months out.

Your,
Mama

Good Afternoon, Internet

I don't have time for you, Internet. I am too busy:

-Cleaning out my purseful of dirty tissue, soccer shin guards, half-full bottles, Advil, Mylanta, sparkling letter stickers, and a brand new iPhone.
-Making a wasp trap for my patio so that I can soak up the sun.
-Planning out how much time I will spend soaking up sun over the next 5 months.
-Procrastinating in writing Jimmy's 9 month letter. And
-Further procrastinating in baby-proofing out apartment to the next level, because

He's crawling like crazy!!

Do You Have to go to the Bathroom, too?

My fellow women amaze me at the need to bond in even the most intimate of circumstances. I guess it shouldn't be surprising that Lucy has already discovered the joy of "girl talk" in the bathroom. Exhaustingly, it has now become part of our naptime routine for Lucy to have a half-hour "potty check" after her naptime book and before she lays down. This is the time of day that Lucy consistently poops.

It has required a lot of effort for me to maintain this pattern in our life lately. At this time of day, roughly 1:30PM, I am totally exhausted and just ready for those kids to go to sleep. Jimmy has already gone down for his nap, and Tommy is feisty and needy of attention. I have to constantly redirect Tommy to a private activity, such as Play-Doh or book reading, so that I can protect this learning time for Lucy.

Still, it's worth it. Every day, Lucy is making more headway on her potty training and we are bonding through girlish chit-chat in the bathroom. As she waits for her bodily urges to strike her, we sing songs and talk about things like the lace on her little pink socks. Today she instructed me on how to pull them up to her knees. I never taught her how to do that, so she must already be taking fashion notes elsewhere.

Outward Perception: On Star Jones and Me

On a rare whim yesterday, I turned on the afternoon Oprah show and settled myself on the couch to hear the Star Jones weight loss story. I haven't been too up on my celebrity info since I cancelled my YMCA membership 3 years ago. Why oh why doesn't Lifetime provide trash magazines? I digress.

Anyway, the interview with Star Jones was profound. For those who didn't watch, a woman who appeared confident years ago was crumbling internally and externally. Star admitted that in her most popular year as a talk show host on The View, she was at her largest weight and was afraid for her audience to discover how self-conscious she had become. She compensated for feeling small internally by putting on a "big" persona---bigger jokes, bigger acrylic nails, bigger hair.

I can relate to Star Jones on many levels, the least of which is weight-related. Primarily, I share with Star the feeling that others believe in me/are confident in me when I do not share that confidence in myself.

Over the last months since Jimmy's birth, I have been on a verifiable roller-coaster of emotion. I described it to John recently: the work-load of managing my three kids, maintaining a clean house, cooking, and keeping up with the laundry was pretty much equivalent to the stress-load of having college finals every single day. Who can live like that? I had an internal stress building and building within me. Every day, I found myself spontaneously bursting little by little....first, an unwarranted yell at my children and next, a unjustified outburst at John.

A few weeks ago, John went to visit his sister, Emily, in Seattle for a stretch of five days. While I was happy at their unique chance for an adult sibling bonding retreat, I couldn't help but feel completely overwhelmed at the prospect of handling all this stress with no back-up at 5pm. John got on the plane, and my stress catapulted higher than it had been since I worked as a crazy dog in event planning.

Four days into John's trip, my brain started to detach a little bit from the situation. I could feel my mind starting to fizzle and fray like a live wire. I started to feel like another 24 hours in the pressure-cooker with my kids was actually unmanageable. Like the kids wouldn't be safe if I continued to be their primary provider for even a few more hours.

That was a scary feeling, folks.

Thankfully, I retained control over the situation long enough to load my kids into the car early on Sunday morning, and drive slowly to my parents house. Twenty minutes from my home had never felt so long. All the while, I kept telling myself, "I can handle driving to Mom and Dad's. I can get to a safe place." And then, in what seemed like forever, I was there.

The story of what happened next is probably equally important, but I've got to get my Goose girl off to her new Montessori school, so your curiousity will have to remain at bay.

I want you to know that even when someone around you seems to have it all together, they may not. Sometimes a bit of probing and insisting to help can make a big difference.

If you're the one cracking inside, please ask for help.

Luxurious Sick Day

Aahhhhhh. The house is finally quiet, and I am holed up in the master bedroom of our little condo. Have I mentioned that Jimmy, Tommy, John and I are all sleeping in this one room? Gotta love the temporary living digs.

I'd like to take this moment to note that sick days are actually a luxury. When I was a kid, I definitely knew this and exploited even the simplest ache to my advantage. I was pretty much on the straight and narrow, so my mom trusted my many sore throats.

Today, after John left for work and I fought through working with 3 kids and the stomach flu for 10 hours, he swept the kids away to McDonald's playland. This peaceful apartment is my oasis of sickness for maybe one to two hours.

You never knew silence could be so wonderful even in the face of the pukes, did you?

And Humbled, Again

Every so often I get fired up about something really unimportant in life. Something that, in the grand schemes of things, means so little. I know I shouldn't allow myself to waste time on an emotion like anger. There are so many ways to expend my energy positively.

After I babble on about one of these unimportant subjects, it's pretty much inevitable that I will be humbled by a story that really is worth my time. A story like the one you will see here.

I actually used to be in a playgroup with this blog author, and I had no idea what life had thrown at her in the last few years.

I remember MckMama as the natural, exuberant person she is on her blog. Once at playgroup, her eldest son threw a huge tantrum and I could see one of the looks of motherhood in MckMama's eyes. It's that look we all get when we are exasperated and our children are just being children, just testing limits and waiting for us to set boundaries.

And MckMama set them. I admired her that day when she, pregnant with one and overseeing another baby, marched her son out of playgroup because he was misbehaving. She didn't give him candy or babytalk to him or unrealistically threaten him. She told him they would have to leave if his behavior continued, and she left.

To those who haven't been a mother as a Hurricane Tantrum unfolded, setting boundaries might seem like a simple thing. But the truth is: setting boundaries is not simple, and moms need to be commended for sticking to their guns. Teaching children the proper way to behave is pretty much a thankless, daily effort.

Anyway, this simple memory delves nowhere in the personal battle MckMama is now facing. My prayers are with her and that beautiful Stellan. This is a family of God.

Occupation: Stay-at-Home-Mom

Warning: I am about to comment on an inflammatory subject. Oh no! You will say. You don't understand! You might add. I do understand and I do have an opinion. And here I shall insert it.

A number of times in my short life as a stay-at-home mother, I have encountered an awkward situation in which others presume that the career of stay-at-home-mom might be interchangeable with that of a daycare provider.

Let me rephrase that so my opinion is clear: A stay-at-home mother is not the same career as a daycare provider.

It seems that many people busy in their own lives misinterpret my choice to be the primary force in my children's upbringing as a solicitation to take other children into my home and be their primary source of influence as well.

Hmm.

It's an interesting idea. And frankly, it can be flattering. Once, I have had a long-standing friend who presumably admired my morals solicit this service. Twice, I have had neighbors whom I barely know solicit my services for in-home daycare. I presume that these people were so impressed with me in exterior perception that they gleaned I might be competent enough to raise their child.

Truly, this is unsettling on many levels:

First, I am not competent to raise anyone else's child. I am a very opinionated person, and if you don't know it yet, I am raising my children to share in these opinions. At some point, my children will rebel against my opinions. But while I can control it, I will try to squash this inclination. In my house, I am the mother and my word is the bottom line*.

Second, I did not choose to stay at home with my children to raise the world's children. Yes, I am an ego freak and I would appreciate having that level of control over others. However, my own children create more work than I can handle personally**, and it's quite insulting to insinuate that adding your load to my bunch would be easily done. Not so.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to let others know that I don't feel badly about my choice to stay home with my kids. For the most part, I love this gig. At times, I wistfully consider what it would be like to be at the top of my career game or back in school full-time. But it's quick. It's wistful. It's not longing or envy. I believe I am doing the job that is best for me and for my family. On certain days, it's glorious. On other days, it's a true test. I guess it's probably the same as most jobs in that regard.

I don't appreciate those who make comments such as, "You're so lucky to be able to do that."*** This type of comment fundamentally undervalues what I do at home. It's really not that lucky to change diapers and work 12-14 hours per day. However, it is valuable that I do this because I believe I am giving my kids an advantage in life by guiding them in their moral, healthful, and physical development.

It's not luck. It's our priority. John and I agreed that this route was better for our kids than extra income or extra vacations, and so, we've sacrificed in some regards. It's a trade-off. Our priority in guiding our children has come out on top of our priority to drive a new Volvo S60.

To conclude my rant, I'd like to state that I really wouldn't let anyone else do my job.

Should you?


*Please note that my word is the bottom line only until I say in a fury to discipline, "You just wait til your Father comes home!!" And I must admit that comes out quite often.
**Haven't posted on this topic yet, but my kids were driving me a little bonkers recently and I've been forced to outsource a little childrearing and a little homemaking. In a limited context. More to come.
***It is certainly a show of poor writing that I have 3 sets of asterisks in this text. And yet I do. This final asterisk is a shout out to mothers & fathers who make every effort possible to be their children's primary influence and simply can not afford to stay home with their kids. Some of them need healthcare benefits from a job. Others battle with a truly unlivable wage. These are not the people to whom I rant today.

Shoes: A Woman's Secret Indulgence

Secret of the internet variety, right?

John and I are attending a fancy dinner & dance fundraiser at the beginning of May, so I can put this dress to use. I am trying to find a beautiful red pump to make the look, but mostly, I'm coming up with bank-breakers. Any friends have something similar and wear an 8 or 8.5? One particular gal should be flyin' in from Argentina soon, and I plan to raid her closet.

Dolce Vita Madison


Kate Spade Keedan


Stuart Weitzman Endeclipse

A Facebook Status Update

Anne forgot that patient potty-training can require one-on-one sessions up to 30 minutes in length. Who has time for that?!

(Lucy and I just spent the last half-hour reading the Potty book, taking each item of clothing off, sitting and singing Mary Had a Little Lamb on the potty, wiping, washing hands, and deciding which Pull-Up had the best reward design.)

Sigh.

This is exhausting work!!

Missed Me?

In my absence, perhaps you have found some peace and a brief sanity break, as I have. Warning: I am overhauling my childrearing schedule and am about to become one of those moms, with a color-coded calendar and an actual life schedule.

I abhor the idea, but I feel it is best for my managerial frame of mind.

I'll be back.

Jimmy's Rockin' and Rollin'

Open Your Eyes

Did anyone else see the sunset last night? It's hard not to notice this time of year. I was driving into Uptown, looking for a parking spot before seeing my friend's hysterical Comedy Sportz show. Turning away from the task for a moment, I caught a glimpse of a huge, almost-pulsing globe of firey red, orange, and yellow.

When I opened Lucy's window shades this morning, I saw the same sun. It's almost like that thing it putting on a performance this time of year.

Spring is just what I need to change my focus in life...to move away from the worries I can't control and to move toward the beauty all around us. The flowers, the green earth, the scent of nature's return in the air. A sun that makes you realize this world is much smaller than it sometimes seems.

How It Is

Often when people hear the ages and quantity of my children, they make the comment, "Wow. You sure have your hands full."

Yes, I do. Please open the doors for me as I take 5 trips hauling my children and their accessories out of my minivan, up 20 stairs to our 2 bedroom apartment, and through 3 hugely heavy doors into #112.

Also note that I am actually so busy keeping on top of these kids with discipline, food, laundry, and cleaning that I literally don't remember the last time I brushed my teeth and it is not rare for me to hold the urge to pee 3-4 hours after my first instinct...because that's how much my kids run me ragged.

Not to complain or anything.

But sometimes I just have to put it out there.

---

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Faith like a Child

An earnest child simply believes anything is possible. From my Lucy, who saw the evening moon still lingering in the morning sky:

"Do you bring that moon to me, Mommy?"

Mrs. O: A Mother I Am Growing to Admire

I picked up the recent issue of Oprah magazine to indulge my fascination with our elegant first lady, Michelle Obama. As you may know from previous posts, I am still carefully forming my response to this female dignitary. While Mrs. O is obviously thoughtful and pointed in her child-rearing, I grow concerned when I see any mother send out the message that "you can have it all." I am watching Mrs. O with diligent scrutiny because I believe many mothers will see her as a role model for the manner in which she raises her daughters.

I recommend reading Oprah's interview with First Lady Obama because her role as a mother is truly pronounced in its pages. I was moved to read of how pointedly Mrs. O noted, "I want the kids to be treated like children, not little princesses...So the girls help set the table, they help bring the food out, they work with the butler staff." Mrs. O is also making a valiant effort to guide her children towards respect for elders, something I admire and also find not especially easy to do in my own experience as a mother.

The bottom line: Go, Mrs. O. This lady, with her iconic belts and precise, long-range goal-setting for her family, will change our nation in a positive way. I hope that the ethics I admire most about her mothering are the ones the nation continues to see in the spotlight.

And the Winner is...

Lorena! We used a very official process of Lucy drawing your name out of a plastic cup. The odds were pretty good for this contest, but still---It must be the luck of the most Irish! I'm pretty sure you're the only redhead that entered.

I think the best way to send me your address might be via Facebook. I'll get your 2 AMC tickets in the mail as soon as I have your info. Thanks for entering.

I Still Heart Target

Despite the bad economic picture, I still am weak when it comes to Target impulse buys. My poor Jimmy had a double ear infection today, so we had to meander through the aisles as we waited for his antibiotic prescription. As he moaned in my arms, I picked out this delicious Mossimo skirt. It's ladylike and yet has an alternative edge due to its more coarse fabric. It's also pretty forgiving as the layers hide a flaw or two!

Luck o' the Irish?

More like faith of the Irish! Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! May your day be full of joy and Irish faith, even if it's not your heritage. Thanks to Aunt Paula for sharing this prayer card.

If you read on through the prayer to the end of this blog post, it could be your lucky day!




Prayer from St. Patrick's Breastplate

I arise today through
God's strength to pilot me,
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to see before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to secure me___
against snares of devils,
against temptation and vices,
against inclinations of nature,
against everyone who shall wish me
ill, afar and anear,
alone and in a crowd...
Christ, be with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit,
Christ where I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
Salvation is of the Lord.
Salvation is of the Lord.
Salvation is of the Christ.
May your salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.

Is it your lucky day this St. Patrick's Day? I am doing my first-ever Blog Give-away of 2 AMC movie tickets. You can enter the contest by posting a comment by midnight today (March 17). In your comment, please let me know what (if anything) you are doing to celebrate St. Patrick's Feast Day. I will announce a random winner tomorrow on the blog and ask for an email address so I can send 2 AMC tickets along. Make sure to check back on March 18 to see if you won!

"But Daddy, I want a paaaar-ty!"

For those who don't know the quote, it's from that bratty girl on Charlie and the Chocolate factory.

Is it wrong for me to want to throw a party just so I can wear this dress?

A Leisurely Saturday Lunch

During the week, I'd liken my lunch routine with the kids to a true sprint. We enter the door in a blast-off, and then I'm piloting the solo run of juggling three children who are exhausted from pre-school, transport, hunger, etc. It's quite a sight to see me negotiating these kids into patience as they wait for ANY food to miraculously appear before them. They just don't seem to understand that healthy items don't come from a robotic, push-button machine like on the Jetsons.

Wouldn't it be great if lunches did?

I enjoy Saturday lunches. As John is around, I have a little more time to thoughtfully prepare. Here is an example of a staple salad I'll make on Saturdays. I'm showing you the 3-plate special for our family, because we really have 3 categories of eaters in our family.

1.) The Mom and Dad eaters:
As you can see, John and I enjoy a "combination" meal with each dietary element mixed into the next element. Here, I've taken simple spring mix and complemented it with goat cheese (freezes well, I usually keep it on hand from Costco), pine nuts, shredded turkey breast, strawberries, avocado and a simple vinaigrette of balsamic, oil, salt, sugar, and minced garlic.

My general recipes for an entree salad is this:
80% Green + Fruit + Good Cheese + Nut + Dressing = Success
Bonus points for adding in extra vegetables.




2.) The toddler, separated special:
Tom and Lucy are still in the age category that generally prefers food to be separated, not mixed. I'm not sure why kids go through this stage, but it's fairly common. I don't tolerate this request for every meal, but for lunches, I often find they will try new foods if they are easily visible on the plate. I am still working at getting the kids to eat any kind of greens, but they each have a few vegetables they'll tolerate, and I consider that an accomplishment. Pictured, you'll see a variation on our adult salads to include sliced avocado, turkey "roll-ups", spring mix, and strawberries.


3.) The baby plate:
Since Jimmy has proclaimed his new stage of eating everything in sight, I make a point to chop up much more food than I'd ever imagine he'd eat in one sitting. He surprises me with both the quantity he consumes AND the quantity that he deflects onto the (carpeted) floor beneath him.
Jimmy loved the avocado and turkey; I supplemented with some baby food since he's not yet ready for strawberries, pine nuts, and spring mix.

Let's Be the Survivors

The odds aren't too great for marriages these days. Marriages have always faced hardship, but in our society, the cultural mindset has swung towards divorce as the easiest response to hardship.*

In a recent discussion with John, I reminded both of us of something we'd heard at a marriage retreat or workshop a short time ago. I might get the words wrong here, but this is the general message:

We don't want to be an ordinary couple. We don't want to have an ordinary marriage.
We are looking to be extraordinary.

Now, before you think I'm just superegotistical, hear me out:
In an ordinary marriage, divorce is just around the corner. In an ordinary marriage, fights get out of control. In an ordinary marriage, people ignore their problems and allow one another to be selfish because sometimes, that's easy.

I can't let that be the way our marriage goes. I have to concentrate on being selfless for John. I have to concentrate on giving my family the edge that will pull us through to the 50-year finish line.


*I want to point out here that I am not the kind of person who sees divorce as never an option. There are some dire situations in which divorce/annulment is really the best of all difficult options. But I want to be clear in stating that I think many marriages fail because it's easy to be selfish in a marriage and selfishness is ultimately destructive in any relationship.

SuperConscientious

One of the annoying things about being me and being a Mom is that, in reality, I have trouble just rollin' with the punches. When I think about my kids and music, I envision them writing symphonies. When I think about my kids and MTV, I worry that Lucy will become body-obsessed and have an eating disorder. When I think about my kids and God, I envision my kids making their pathway not slowly...to First Communion, for instance. Instead, I see them at the altar for their weddings or Holy Orders vows.

I would say that this kind of goal-oriented mindset is pretty much an everyday, every minute occurrence in my life. In fact, there are times when I have to mentally talk myself into slowing down and just enjoying the moment: "Just chill out a little, Anne....it's going to be fine if Lucy just colors Curious George right now and doesn't finish an oil pastel masterpiece."

Ok, I was exaggerating a little bit with that one. But not really.

But seriously, there are disadvantages AND advantages to my compulsive, goal-oriented parenting. (Or at least, I'm about to make a case that there are.)

One advantage of forward-thinking in parenting is that I have the foresight to realize when my kids are subtly trying to take advantage and take control in our relationship. Hang on. I know that sounds weird. But kids are actually champs at this, especially mine.

Kids excel at trying to establish a routine that undermines the parent. Have you ever really watched Supernanny? Have you ever seen how the tantrum-throwers beg for first, a glass of water and then, a different blanket and then, a snugglier teddy bear and then, just 5 minutes of Mommy singing in the room. After the bedtime routine. After the lights out. It goes on and on and onandonandonandon. For my non-parent readers, it is downright exasperating. It's the kind of thing that makes my 14-hour day longer and longer and longer until finally, John and I collapse with exhaustion, realizing we've allowed our kids to control EVERY SECOND of bedtime and we have left no time or energy to connect as husband and wife.

A very detrimental effect.

Anyway, to get back to my earlier point, one advantage of forward-thinking in parenting is that I can acknowledge a bad routine-in-progress (see my She Devil post) and put a halt to it. Sometimes John and I would rather ignore a bad habit that is developing, but really, in the long run, we'd rather enjoy one another for a few moments every night.

She Devil

I'm sorry for the harsh nickname, Lucy, but if you were in my shoes and just experienced a 2-hour tantrum surpassing the magnitude of those I've seen on "Supernanny," you might resort to this and other names.

GO TO SLEEP, MUNCHKIN.

YOU WILL NOT WIN, SO GIVE UP NOW!

Paralysis: On the Economy, Finally.

I have to admit that I have avoided the subject of the ongoing Recession like the plague. I generally an optimist and would prefer not to address difficult topics head-on. (Look at me: I'm still calling it a Recession, when quite frankly, it's heading quickly towards Depression.) Every day it seems I hear more bad news. More friends losing jobs, more people wondering if they will be able to pay the bills next week.

It's starting to hit real close to home, and that scares me.

How is America going to pull through this period? How can I help those around me who are clinging to their homes and their lifestyles with barely their fingernails? What can I do to make a difference?

I just hate to ever admit that I can't.