I am not that great at motherhood.
I don’t say this
to be self-deprecating. I am fourteen
years into this vocation, one which has challenged and rewarded me, brought me
to my knees before God, both in desperation and in awe. The magnitude of motherhood is such that
those paradoxes can occur in the same moment.
And I don’t have all that I need to get
this done.
I have passed
through a season of diapers and endless days.
The kids were everywhere and clamoring for touch, kissed owies, and
bedtimes stories. Just when I believed
those long hours would go on forever, they have disappeared, and I find myself
surrounded by children---three tweeny-teens and one six-year-old who believes
his is 10---who largely do not want to be kissed, guided, loved. They don’t seem to acknowledge that I know
anything. In fact, many days, I believe
it is their mission to contradict everything I say.
And so, just as I became
better at tinies, having received a modicum of patience and growth, the game
has changed.
And I can’t do this alone.
Yesterday my tweeny-teens
were a ridiculous rompus, tearing one another down and not participating very
well in my mandated moment to give thanks at dinner. We tried to go to the library, and our
once-treasured place of discovery became another battleground. I picked apart book selections that were
inferior to my kids’ abilities. I didn’t
want them glued to screens. When they
played with the toys in the little kid area, they were obnoxious. Where
is a place, I wondered, where my kids
can get along? Do they have to be
separated to function well?
Do I have what it takes to get this job
done?
The answer is
no. I do not have what it takes to do
this with grace and love well. I am not
equipped to be a mother to all these different personalities, needs, limits,
capacities. But I am. God trusted me to do this with Him.
And so, tonight,
when my tweeny-teens bound out of the school and clamor to get away from me and
into the next moment of fun, I will try again---with the Lord---to strive for patience and creativity and all that
I have to bring my children love, guidance, faith.
I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me.
